🧠✨ Steve Ollington explores how misunderstanding shapes the lives of people with ADHD—from school to retirement. 🚀 Despite their strengths, many face barriers at work, in relationships, and beyond.
The solution? Greater awareness, training, and willingness to learn as people with ADHD need your help to be better understood
From childhood to retirement, one of the biggest challenges faced by people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is the feeling of being misunderstood. This isn’t a minor inconvenience; it’s a fundamental barrier that shapes lives, impacts relationships, and limits opportunities.
Most systems prioritise conformity and linear thought processes, which often clash with the natural strengths and differences of people with ADHD
Society inevitably evolves in ways that work best for how most people think, those with ‘neuronormative’ cognitive styles – therefore, schools, workplaces, and other institutions end up being designed to cater to conventional ways of thinking and behaving. While unintentional, this has created a systemic bias leaving neurodivergent thinkers struggling to fit the mould.
Most systems prioritise conformity and linear thought processes, which often clash with the natural strengths and differences of people with ADHD. As a result, the unique ways that they perceive and interact with the world are frequently misunderstood, dismissed, or undervalued (ADHDworking).
This can only really be changed through greater awareness and understanding. Many people with ADHD are already trying their best to ‘fit’ by learning, working, and doing things in the ways that the majority expects of them. But that only gets them so far. Some efforts must also be taken by those without ADHD to better understand those with it, in order to bridge the gap fully, and that means ADHD training (ADHDworking).
Misunderstanding through life stages
From the moment a child with ADHD enters the classroom, they start getting misunderstood. Their way of thinking, processing, and interacting doesn’t fit conventional expectations, leading to misinterpretations of their intentions and abilities. Teachers, peers, and even parents may misunderstand their behaviour, attributing it to a lack of effort or discipline rather than a different cognitive style. This fundamental misunderstanding sets the stage for feelings of alienation and exclusion (Psychology Today).
As children with ADHD grow into adolescence, the stakes get higher. Misunderstandings about their behaviour often result in labels that stick, such as “troublemaker” or “underachiever.” Their unique ways of learning and engaging with the world are often overlooked, reinforcing feelings of being fundamentally misunderstood. Teachers and parents may focus on what they perceive as shortcomings rather than understanding their differences and strengths. This constant misjudgement fosters frustration and a sense of not being truly seen or valued (HBH Therapy).
By the time they enter the world of work, the misunderstanding continues. People with ADHD bring creativity, problem-solving abilities, and innovation to the table. However, their different approaches to tasks and communication lead to challenges around alignment. Ongoing misinterpretation then leads to missed opportunities, limited career advancement, and a pervasive feeling of being undervalued. Managers and colleagues often fail to see beyond surface-level behaviours, missing the potential that ADHD individuals bring to their roles (ADHDworking; Sage Journals; Emerald Insight).
ADHD at work and beyond
Employers must shift their perspectives to foster environments where ADHD individuals are not just accommodated but truly understood. Training programs and open conversations can help managers and teams bridge the gap of misunderstanding, unlocking the immense potential of neurodivergent employees (TandF).
It’s not just education and work, though. Misunderstanding extends deeply into personal relationships. Parents may struggle to connect with their ADHD children, misinterpreting their actions and intentions. Friends may misread behaviours as inconsiderate or detached, and romantic partners may feel unsupported or disconnected. These misunderstandings create barriers to trust and intimacy, leaving ADHD individuals feeling isolated and unseen. The persistent challenge of explaining oneself and still being misunderstood erodes confidence and complicates connections (See in ADHD; Matthew Bellringer).
Even in retirement, the weight of a lifetime of misunderstanding is profound. Many retirees with ADHD reflect on careers and relationships marked by missed opportunities and strained interactions, feeling that their true potential was never fully realised or appreciated. This lifelong pattern of being misunderstood leaves a lasting emotional impact (PubMed; Irish Times).
The recurring theme across all stages of life for people with ADHD is the profound impact of being misunderstood. Misunderstanding holds ADHD people down, limiting their potential and creating barriers to success in every area of life. The feeling of being unseen and undervalued leads to emotional distress, affecting mental health and well-being. Higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even suicide among ADHD individuals are linked to the isolating effects of misunderstanding (Translating ADHD; HBH Therapy).
A call to action
This issue can be tackled: hugely impactful differences can be made. Schools, workplaces, and communities must have access to education about ADHD. Training programs for teachers, managers, and parents can significantly reduce misunderstandings and foster supportive environments (Emerald Insight).
Early screening and tailored interventions for children with ADHD can set them on a path to success, reducing the likelihood of lifelong misunderstandings (BMJ Open). The Accessible Learning Foundation, for example, is campaigning for early-years special educational needs and disabilities (SEND) identification (ALF) which, if combined with teacher training, could provide more options for ADHD children at the start of their lives.
As someone with ADHD myself, I have felt the profound effects of being misunderstood. I write this mainly for my children. I want them to grow up in a world where their unique perspectives are understood and valued. My hope is that by the time they grow older and enter the world of work and relationships, society will be more understanding of their differences.
For this to happen there are two things required: knowledge, and willingness to learn.The knowledge is out there, there are ADHD training courses for businesses, schools, and parents readily available.
The hard part is the willingness. That’s where people with ADHD need your help, in seeking out training, and asking others to do the same. Telling your employers, your children’s teachers, and anyone else who might listen that the misunderstandings with ADHD children and adults can be mitigated – and the more people who do such training, the more acceptance there will be for people with ADHD, and the more society will then be able to benefit from their differences.
Steve Ollington is a researcher and accredited trainer and founder of ADHD Working
